Shake-Up Over Shopping

Okay, so I dropped the kids with Hubs yesterday and went shopping for something to wear to this blasted reunion. I spent 1½ hours in the dressing room of a store filled with beautiful clothes. A store that is filled with ridiculously overpriced clothes that I would never spend that much money on... did I mention how beautiful the clothes are? I just HAD to go in. I don’t get out much and here I was all alone with no children tugging on me and no husband whining about how much he hates shopping. I just had to go into the store with the beautiful clothes. Well, they are beautiful on the pencils in the catalogs, not so much on this bod, I quickly discovered. Although, I did find a top that I fell in love with and asked the barely-post-pubescent salesgirl to help me find something to wear with it. She took off and came back with several items. After I’d tried them all on, she asked me if I liked any of them. I replied, “Yes, they’re wonderful. I like them very much; however, they do not like me.” I think my sarcasm frightened her, so she ran out for reinforcements and I ended up having THREE salesgirls in and out of the dressing room with all kinds of things for me to try. Here are a few of the items, just to give you an idea of what a nightmare shopping has become for me. In case you care. In case, please God, some of you can relate.

1. Pair of pants with snaps down the front that were reminiscent of a baby’s onesie or a sailor’s uniform - only different. As if those two items have anything in common. Anyhoo, here they are. Take a quick peek, but then come back. Don't get lost in the beautiful clothes. Okay, I'll wait. http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=923290&parentid=QUICKSHOP&navAction=jump&isProduct=true The pants came up to my armpits and hung at least a foot past my toes. But, hey, they did fit through the hips, which is a miracle in and of itself. The salesgirl commented that they would need tailoring. Ya think? No thanks, I looked like a






She didn't bring any more pants to the dressing room.

2. Super-Cute Silvery Sparkle Skirt with ruffled pockets. Go ahead, check it out. http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=920098&catId=CLOTHES-SKIRTS&pushId=CLOTHES-SKIRTS&popId=CLOTHES&sortProperties=&navCount=400&navAction=top&fromCategoryPage=true&selectedProductSize=&selectedProductSize1=&color=009&colorName=BLACK%20MOTIF&isSubcategory=true&isProduct=true It was so cute…until it encountered my body. I had to stand with one foot in front of the other to get the damn thing over my hips. The adorable ruffle pockets actually stood up and waved from my hips - like fins. The horror! The cherry on top was when the salesgirl told me that I just didn’t have it on right. (I guess I've reached idiot status now.) “Pull it up,” she orders. I pull it up and now the waist is swimming around my boobs while the ruffle pockets are now waving from somewhere above my waist and the skirt is still groaning over my hips. More horror! I think it’s too large and that you're not wearing it right she says. WTF?! Where are the 38 year old salespeople? Why must they all be 22 years old and perfect-looking? She brings me a size smaller and a size larger (at my request). I determined that only a pencil can wear the Super-Cute Silvery Sparkle Skirt. I am no pencil. I am the slightly scuffed eraser that has been stuck on the top of the pencil and worn into the shape of a pear.

3. Super Fun Purple Skirt! Oh, I LOVED this one! Never in a million years would I have pulled this off the rack, but when the salesgirl showed up with it, my eyes glazed over. So, so, so cute! You've got to see this one! http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=923347&catId=CLOTHES-SKIRTS&pushId=CLOTHES-SKIRTS&popId=CLOTHES&sortProperties=&navCount=400&navAction=top&fromCategoryPage=true&selectedProductSize=&selectedProductSize1=&color=050&colorName=PURPLE&isSubcategory=true&isProduct=true How fun is this skirt?! My first thought when I put it on was, oh shit, you can see my knees. No one should be subjected to my knees. They’re gnarly and wrinkly and generally scary-looking. But the salesgirls, all three, squealed, "Oh, I love it!” In unison, no less, so I almost bought the skirt because I was high on their squealing and the dressing room lighting. (I’ve decided that I want all of my surroundings lit with this particular dressing room lighting.) I was close to triumphantly yelling, “Done!” and ripping out my credit card. Until. Oh, until. Until I sat down in the Super Fun Purple Skirt. Hmmm…now the knees ain’t lookin’ so bad because the varicose veins and cottage cheesy thighs have been exposed. Oh the freakin’ horror!


I left with the top and, sadly, no bottom, so now I must gear up to tackle the stores again this weekend for the rest of the outfit. To all 22-year-old-perfect-looking-salesgirls, consider yourself on notice. You've got your work cut out for you this weekend.