Stalked!

I am so ridiculously terrified of frogs. Cute, tiny, Kermity frogs scare the shit out of me. It is all because a little tree frog threw himself backwards off a wall and landed on my face many years ago. My face! I’ve just barely regained my sanity from that episode. Frogs are still tiny and cute when there is a thick glass separating me from their crazy jumpadelic tendencies. There was a frog (okay, probably a toad) the size of my arm doing the backstroke in my in-law’s pool one night this summer and I almost lost my mind. I was screeching to the kids, “Get the frog! Scoop him with a bucket and throw him over the wall! Hurry! Eeeeeekkkk, he’s looking at me!!!! Hurry!” I curled myself into the fetal position in a deck chair while the 6, 8 and 9 year old kids tried to get him out of the pool. I am not the brave one when it comes to frogs. I can handle snakes, spiders, pretty much any vermin – just not frogs. My nephew was the hero who scooped the frog up out of the pool and tossed him over the concrete wall. The wall has decorative cut-outs in it and the damn frog crawled back up and peeked over ‘window’ made by one of the cut-outs. All we could see was the top of his head and his eyes. People, his eyes were as big as golf balls. (Or, maybe marbles. Or, maybe skittles.) They were huge froggy eyes! I could see his thoughts through those eyes! And, he was stalking me! His giganto eyes followed me around the pool deck for the rest of the evening. I tried to get the kids to shoot him with a water gun, but they thought that would be mean. Mean, my ass! The frog was trespassing and deserved to be persecuted by water gun!

I need therapy over my frog fear. They are EVERYWHERE and I’m convinced that they STALK ME! Today, I encountered one in the half-bath and was too terrified to move. His tiny little frog eyes peeped at me from under the door. Before I could do anything, he squirmed his way on in and began to hop towards me! Eek! Seriously, if I didn't dig deep I could've spent the day in that tiny room cowering from the frog. Instead, I began squealing like a little girl and jitter-bugged my way out of there. I closed the door in an attempt to trap the critter which was completely ineffective, since it can just crawl under the door. The frog was scaling the wall as I left. Does this mean it will drop down from the ceiling onto my head when I go back in there later today? Because you KNOW I'll forget and go back in. I'm stupid that way. Where is my hubby? Must go find him. He's got some frog-trapping to do.

Update: Hubs caught the frog! I do so love that man! The critter had skeedoodled into the laundry room, probably in an attempt to escape my screams. He was completely covered in lint and looked like a furry, spidery-frog-blob hopping across the floor. What a hoot! A hoot from far, far away, mind you. He was tossed onto the back patio where he sat, dejected and lint-covered.

I just came home from chauffeuring the kids and glanced outside to find a pile of lint sitting next to the cutest green frog. Oh, they're all kinds of cute when they're OUTSIDE and I'm INSIDE behind a nice, thick piece of glass. I think I need therapy. Anyone know of any therapists who specialize in Amphibious Disorders?

Salmonella Shoes

I desperately need more sleep. I've had insomnia for the past three nights and just told JT that we were all going to get salmonella and die because he was standing on the kitchen counter while wearing shoes. Am I turning into the crazy mom who says random, nonsensical things and whose kids stop believing anything that comes out of her mouth? Because she is random. And nonsensical. And a sleep-deprived nut.

Oh, don’t ask why the kid was standing on the counter. His reasoning makes even less sense than contracting salmonella from shoes.

Homeschooling on the Road...Or Not

When planning a road trip I always have such high aspirations of what kind of schooling we can do while stuck in the van for hours on end. I compile loads of books, games, activities and actual schoolwork to pass the time. For this trip, I intended to further our study of George Washington and the American Revolution. I also intended to expand MO’s knowledge of geography since we were driving across four of the states she has been studying in her geography class. Yeah, well. *Sigh* This is what our trip was actually like.

The books on George Washington and the American Revolution were never cracked open. The audio tapes of George Washington’s life never made it into the player. We stopped in Alabama and purchased postcards at the Tourist Info Center. That was the extent of our geographical studies. Actually, that was the extent of our schooling. Unless you count life lessons in human body noises, the perils of an unhealthy diet (no relation to the human body noises) or the effects of poorly maintained (biggest pothole I’ve ever seen) roads on the tires of a loaded minivan (blow-out). We survived the trip. Isn’t that what really matters? We were in the van for over 13 hours. My #1 recommendation for road trips with children: CANDY. Lots and lots and lots of candy. The kids watched DVDs and ate candy all day long. They were happy campers. Spastically hyper campers, but very happy. This meant that Chet and I could actually converse and enjoy each other’s company. So nice. Never mind thoughts of rotting brains and teeth – a small price to pay for the sanity of the two adults in the van.

Speaking of rotting, I had the worst road trip meal of my life last night. We stopped somewhere in Mississippi and ordered burgers at a place where we could dine in our van. It was beyond disgusting. Hot, wilted, gooey lettuce, slimy meat, melting bun. BARF! The worse part of all is that one of the cooks came outside and stood right in front of our van. This guy had the biggest stomach I have ever seen on a man. It was like a droopy, uniboob stomach. It actually hung down to his crotch. Never seen anything like it. It was like a train wreck - I couldn't look away. Somehow this guy's stomach made my burger that much more disgusting. The kids were in awe of this man’s stomach. Thoughts of grasping that teachable moment to discuss proper food choices went out the window when I looked down at the giganto-burger goo in my own hands and the piles of candy wrappers littering the floor.

JT is the best little traveler. He hunkers down into his seat with his legos and action figures and pretty much refuses to budge until we arrive at our destination. We have to force him out of the van for potty breaks - I swear the kid is a camel. Both kids were completely entertained by the special features on one of their DVD’s where they could supplement the dialogue with "human noises." I'm sure you can imagine the crude, low-brow humor that ensued. Lots of burping, farting and toilet flushing sounds. Normally I'd be irritated that we'd purchased such a vacuous DVD, but yesterday I was thanking my lucky stars because those kids listened to cartoon characters open their mouths and have fart sounds come out for HOURS. They laughed so much - truly the best sound in the world.

The last two hours of the trip are always the hardest and last night MO was miserable. She'd be sleeping then suddenly sit upright and screech, "I can't sleeeeeep!" Then she'd mutter and toss and turn and go back to sleep only to sit up a few minutes later and screech, "When are we going to beeeeeee there?" If we weren't all so miserably tired and snarky it would've been quite funny. Actually, it's kinda funny now that I'm no longer trapped in the van.

We arrived in Louisiana to an empty house. My parents heard we were coming and took off lickety-split all the way to Arizona to get away from us. (Kidding, Mom.) My mother warned me that her cupboards would be bare since she and my dad have been traveling the country for the last week. My brood is up and muttering about empty bellies. Think I can sneak out to the grocery store pre-shower with my hair shoved into one of my dad's old hunting caps? Yeeaahhh, not gonna happen. Starve, people! Mama must shower.

To be continued….

Eating Through the Alphabet

I began by eating a cupcake in order to deal with the drama of a playdate gone bad with MO and two other little girls. It seemed like a logical stress reaction to me - stressful playdate, eat a cupcake. Three is NOT a good number for little girls. There was drama, drama, drama. Then, when Hubs did not come home to take the kids to karate, I moved on to Cheetos. I did not realize just how much I'd been looking forward to that hour of solitude until it was taken from me. Whine, whine, whine. Maybe I should've had a glass of wine. It would've helped with what was on the horizon for my evening.



The kids and I hunkered down for a night at home and I'm thinking that the drama is over. Silly, naive Cindy, the drama was just beginning! For one thing, MO wanders in to discuss the whole playdate/friendship/why doesn’t anyone like me thing during my six-minute bath. I take very public baths. In wanders one kid, two kid, red fish, blue fish.... Where is that damn Calgon??? Calgon promised to take me away, yet here I sit in a lukewarm bath with a draft from the door that keeps opening. Later, when Hubs called to say he'd not be home for at least another hour, the kids chose that moment to fight over the last orange sherbet popsicle (picture fists flying and the popsicle becoming airborne). While that is happening, the dog is barfing up a strawberry that she'd swallowed whole. "Love you so much, honey!" I say to Hubs as "Cell Block Tango" from CHICAGO is running through my mind. I finished up the night with a bowl of Corn Flakes.



Apparently, if it started with the letter C, I was going to eat it. I feel great. I feel wonderful. I feel great. I feel wonderful. Wonder what letter of the alphabet I'll eat my way through today?

Gravitational Pull

This weather today is killing me! Overcast with clouds and rain - all I want to do is take a nap! My eyes keep closing and my body is being pulled towards the couch and my snuggly blanket. How am I to homeschool with this kind of gravitational pull exerted by the couch? The barometric pressure is forcing my eyes to close! I'm racking my cloud-covered brain in an effort to come up with a homeschooling spin for midday napping. Here are the possibilities so far:

1. Healthy Bodies (pe/health)

2. Nap now to conserve energy for tasks later today. (Practical Living)

3. Dream Study (psychology)

4. Sleep Stages Study/ REM (science)

A Tale

MO was reading aloud a fanciful story about a group of animals. The main character, Pig, is homesick and begins telling a tale about his hometown. The other animals were awed at Pig's outrageous tale of a land filled with colors. Comprehension questions went something like this:

Me: Are the other animals surprised by Pig's tale?

MO: Yes.

Me: Why were the other animals surprised?

MO: Because a pig was talking to his tail. Duh.

Nothing Funny About It

I took MO for her 7 year well visit this week and flu shots all around. I THOUGHT I heard the nurse coming back into the room with the shots and decided to let the kids know what was coming - they'd both been asking and I was feeling bad about lying to them, er I mean, distracting them. They are getting too old for the distractions. They looked me in the eye and asked what was up and I caved. Yes, you are getting poked today I say with all the shame in the world masked as cheerful tranquility. I feel like the executioner or, more accurately, like the poor guy who had to drag the doomed to the executioner's ax. They both immediately went completely ape shit. Whining, Crying, Screaming, Wailing, Hand-Wringing...and what do I, their loving mother, do? I start to laugh. I cannot make myself stop laughing. I am so broken - what kind of a mother does something like that? It was as if someone added batteries and flipped a switch and they were ON. I've never seen anything quite like it. The nurse took another lifetime - okay, it was 5-10 minutes - before coming back. I volunteered to go first so they could see that it was no big deal. Except that during my flu shot they were both rolling on the floor with their hands covering their faces while wailing loudly (the kids were wailing, not their hands). I'm too tired and stressed from the whole emotionally taxing day to correct my grammar. Besides, my arm hurts. Karma, maybe?

What's Next?

Yesterday was one of those days....

• Stupid argument with Hubby stemming from our standard inability to communicate.
• Snake in the garage. Did you hear? Snake! In my garage!
• Late for the kids' golf lessons due to a 10 mile detour that was not a real detour. It was basically just a ten-mile loop back to the original route to golf.
• Car dies in grocery store parking lot while MO is at her golf lesson.
• Reaction to flu shot which is leaving me dizzy and nauseous.

This all occurred before noon.

The highlight of my day was my dear friend who transported my child home from golf, followed me to and from the car fixin' place, entertained me over lunch and listened to my dizzily nauseous whining about my morning. She's either a glutton for punishment or a true gem of a friend. I know a diamond when I see one! I also know how lucky I am to have such good friends.