After striking out on finding a book that would give me a complete script guideline of what to say to my baby child about sex I knew I had to bite the bullet and just do it. A couple of weeks later, I was finally alone with JT in the car. I asked him if he had anything he’d like to talk with me about since MO was not around.
JT: Oh, yes, Mom, I have a couple of things.
Me: (Okay. Deep breath. I’m braced and as ready as I’ll ever be with a white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel.) Go ahead and ask, Honey.
JT: Is the Tooth Fairy real?
Me: (oh, bother!) No, JT, she is not real. (*exasperated tone*) It’s me and Daddy just like Santa and the Easter Bunny. Anything else you want to talk about?
JT: Well, in a way Santa is real since Saint Nicholas was a real man who helped people, right? Was there a real person who took kids’ teeth and gave them money?
Me: No, JT. (growing frantic. Is there some way to slow the car's progress since we're getting close to home and I may never have the gumption to tackle this topic again? Should I fake a flat tire?) Why don’t we talk about sex? Do you remember asking me about that and I told you we’d discuss it when MO was not around? Now is a pretty good time.
JT: Uh. Well. Uh. No, not really. I don’t want to talk about that. It’s too – ooooohh – just too gross.
Me: (Well, shit. Must come up with new approach.) Hmm, well, it seems that you already have some idea what sex is. Why don’t you tell me what you know about it so that I can correct any misunderstandings? Sometimes when your friends tell you things they are not sure about, they get some details wrong.
JT: No! It’s just too gross. I don’t want to think about it or talk about it!
Me: (Well, double-shit and damn. What has this kid heard?) JT, actually sex is not bad or gross. It is how babies are made and God created sex for men and women who are married. (Approach #3 - I’m working on the fly here).
JT: (completely horrified) WHAT?! God made that? What was HE thinking?
Me: (not going to answer that one in this conversation) Do you have an idea about what sex is?
JT: Yes and it’s too disgusting to say. It involves bad, bad, bad parts.
Me: (WHAT?! Since when is ‘private’ a synonym for ‘bad’? Why is my kid so screwed up here? This cannot be my fault, can it? Yes, it's always the mother's fault.) What do you mean by bad, JT?
JT: Well, mom, I’m only going to say this once, so make sure you’re listening.
Me: Well, say it loud, then ‘cause Mama’s hearing ain’t what it used to be.
JT: You rub your private parts together. It-it-it-it’s just too gross.
Me: (Yay! It's gross! So glad to hear that it's gross!) Yes, JT that is pretty much right. There is more to it than that and I’ll be happy to tell you about it whenever you are ready to hear it. I also have a book for you all about sex and babies. You can have it whenever you want it. It’s okay that you think sex is gross right now. Several years from now (God willing) you will not think that sex is gross and you may have more questions about it. Daddy and I will be here to answer them.
JT: I will never want that book. Never. I want sex out of my head. I want it out of my mind. And I want it out this world!
JT: Oh, yes, Mom, I have a couple of things.
Me: (Okay. Deep breath. I’m braced and as ready as I’ll ever be with a white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel.) Go ahead and ask, Honey.
JT: Is the Tooth Fairy real?
Me: (oh, bother!) No, JT, she is not real. (*exasperated tone*) It’s me and Daddy just like Santa and the Easter Bunny. Anything else you want to talk about?
JT: Well, in a way Santa is real since Saint Nicholas was a real man who helped people, right? Was there a real person who took kids’ teeth and gave them money?
Me: No, JT. (growing frantic. Is there some way to slow the car's progress since we're getting close to home and I may never have the gumption to tackle this topic again? Should I fake a flat tire?) Why don’t we talk about sex? Do you remember asking me about that and I told you we’d discuss it when MO was not around? Now is a pretty good time.
JT: Uh. Well. Uh. No, not really. I don’t want to talk about that. It’s too – ooooohh – just too gross.
Me: (Well, shit. Must come up with new approach.) Hmm, well, it seems that you already have some idea what sex is. Why don’t you tell me what you know about it so that I can correct any misunderstandings? Sometimes when your friends tell you things they are not sure about, they get some details wrong.
JT: No! It’s just too gross. I don’t want to think about it or talk about it!
Me: (Well, double-shit and damn. What has this kid heard?) JT, actually sex is not bad or gross. It is how babies are made and God created sex for men and women who are married. (Approach #3 - I’m working on the fly here).
JT: (completely horrified) WHAT?! God made that? What was HE thinking?
Me: (not going to answer that one in this conversation) Do you have an idea about what sex is?
JT: Yes and it’s too disgusting to say. It involves bad, bad, bad parts.
Me: (WHAT?! Since when is ‘private’ a synonym for ‘bad’? Why is my kid so screwed up here? This cannot be my fault, can it? Yes, it's always the mother's fault.) What do you mean by bad, JT?
JT: Well, mom, I’m only going to say this once, so make sure you’re listening.
Me: Well, say it loud, then ‘cause Mama’s hearing ain’t what it used to be.
JT: You rub your private parts together. It-it-it-it’s just too gross.
Me: (Yay! It's gross! So glad to hear that it's gross!) Yes, JT that is pretty much right. There is more to it than that and I’ll be happy to tell you about it whenever you are ready to hear it. I also have a book for you all about sex and babies. You can have it whenever you want it. It’s okay that you think sex is gross right now. Several years from now (God willing) you will not think that sex is gross and you may have more questions about it. Daddy and I will be here to answer them.
JT: I will never want that book. Never. I want sex out of my head. I want it out of my mind. And I want it out this world!
AHAHAHAHHA!! wheeeeeeeez AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Did you get him to sign a paper with witnesses? I, J.T., promise not to be interested in sex until my mother and father are long in their graves or are too senile to care.
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