Stalked!

I am so ridiculously terrified of frogs. Cute, tiny, Kermity frogs scare the shit out of me. It is all because a little tree frog threw himself backwards off a wall and landed on my face many years ago. My face! I’ve just barely regained my sanity from that episode. Frogs are still tiny and cute when there is a thick glass separating me from their crazy jumpadelic tendencies. There was a frog (okay, probably a toad) the size of my arm doing the backstroke in my in-law’s pool one night this summer and I almost lost my mind. I was screeching to the kids, “Get the frog! Scoop him with a bucket and throw him over the wall! Hurry! Eeeeeekkkk, he’s looking at me!!!! Hurry!” I curled myself into the fetal position in a deck chair while the 6, 8 and 9 year old kids tried to get him out of the pool. I am not the brave one when it comes to frogs. I can handle snakes, spiders, pretty much any vermin – just not frogs. My nephew was the hero who scooped the frog up out of the pool and tossed him over the concrete wall. The wall has decorative cut-outs in it and the damn frog crawled back up and peeked over ‘window’ made by one of the cut-outs. All we could see was the top of his head and his eyes. People, his eyes were as big as golf balls. (Or, maybe marbles. Or, maybe skittles.) They were huge froggy eyes! I could see his thoughts through those eyes! And, he was stalking me! His giganto eyes followed me around the pool deck for the rest of the evening. I tried to get the kids to shoot him with a water gun, but they thought that would be mean. Mean, my ass! The frog was trespassing and deserved to be persecuted by water gun!

I need therapy over my frog fear. They are EVERYWHERE and I’m convinced that they STALK ME! Today, I encountered one in the half-bath and was too terrified to move. His tiny little frog eyes peeped at me from under the door. Before I could do anything, he squirmed his way on in and began to hop towards me! Eek! Seriously, if I didn't dig deep I could've spent the day in that tiny room cowering from the frog. Instead, I began squealing like a little girl and jitter-bugged my way out of there. I closed the door in an attempt to trap the critter which was completely ineffective, since it can just crawl under the door. The frog was scaling the wall as I left. Does this mean it will drop down from the ceiling onto my head when I go back in there later today? Because you KNOW I'll forget and go back in. I'm stupid that way. Where is my hubby? Must go find him. He's got some frog-trapping to do.

Update: Hubs caught the frog! I do so love that man! The critter had skeedoodled into the laundry room, probably in an attempt to escape my screams. He was completely covered in lint and looked like a furry, spidery-frog-blob hopping across the floor. What a hoot! A hoot from far, far away, mind you. He was tossed onto the back patio where he sat, dejected and lint-covered.

I just came home from chauffeuring the kids and glanced outside to find a pile of lint sitting next to the cutest green frog. Oh, they're all kinds of cute when they're OUTSIDE and I'm INSIDE behind a nice, thick piece of glass. I think I need therapy. Anyone know of any therapists who specialize in Amphibious Disorders?