Homeschooling on the Road...Or Not

When planning a road trip I always have such high aspirations of what kind of schooling we can do while stuck in the van for hours on end. I compile loads of books, games, activities and actual schoolwork to pass the time. For this trip, I intended to further our study of George Washington and the American Revolution. I also intended to expand MO’s knowledge of geography since we were driving across four of the states she has been studying in her geography class. Yeah, well. *Sigh* This is what our trip was actually like.

The books on George Washington and the American Revolution were never cracked open. The audio tapes of George Washington’s life never made it into the player. We stopped in Alabama and purchased postcards at the Tourist Info Center. That was the extent of our geographical studies. Actually, that was the extent of our schooling. Unless you count life lessons in human body noises, the perils of an unhealthy diet (no relation to the human body noises) or the effects of poorly maintained (biggest pothole I’ve ever seen) roads on the tires of a loaded minivan (blow-out). We survived the trip. Isn’t that what really matters? We were in the van for over 13 hours. My #1 recommendation for road trips with children: CANDY. Lots and lots and lots of candy. The kids watched DVDs and ate candy all day long. They were happy campers. Spastically hyper campers, but very happy. This meant that Chet and I could actually converse and enjoy each other’s company. So nice. Never mind thoughts of rotting brains and teeth – a small price to pay for the sanity of the two adults in the van.

Speaking of rotting, I had the worst road trip meal of my life last night. We stopped somewhere in Mississippi and ordered burgers at a place where we could dine in our van. It was beyond disgusting. Hot, wilted, gooey lettuce, slimy meat, melting bun. BARF! The worse part of all is that one of the cooks came outside and stood right in front of our van. This guy had the biggest stomach I have ever seen on a man. It was like a droopy, uniboob stomach. It actually hung down to his crotch. Never seen anything like it. It was like a train wreck - I couldn't look away. Somehow this guy's stomach made my burger that much more disgusting. The kids were in awe of this man’s stomach. Thoughts of grasping that teachable moment to discuss proper food choices went out the window when I looked down at the giganto-burger goo in my own hands and the piles of candy wrappers littering the floor.

JT is the best little traveler. He hunkers down into his seat with his legos and action figures and pretty much refuses to budge until we arrive at our destination. We have to force him out of the van for potty breaks - I swear the kid is a camel. Both kids were completely entertained by the special features on one of their DVD’s where they could supplement the dialogue with "human noises." I'm sure you can imagine the crude, low-brow humor that ensued. Lots of burping, farting and toilet flushing sounds. Normally I'd be irritated that we'd purchased such a vacuous DVD, but yesterday I was thanking my lucky stars because those kids listened to cartoon characters open their mouths and have fart sounds come out for HOURS. They laughed so much - truly the best sound in the world.

The last two hours of the trip are always the hardest and last night MO was miserable. She'd be sleeping then suddenly sit upright and screech, "I can't sleeeeeep!" Then she'd mutter and toss and turn and go back to sleep only to sit up a few minutes later and screech, "When are we going to beeeeeee there?" If we weren't all so miserably tired and snarky it would've been quite funny. Actually, it's kinda funny now that I'm no longer trapped in the van.

We arrived in Louisiana to an empty house. My parents heard we were coming and took off lickety-split all the way to Arizona to get away from us. (Kidding, Mom.) My mother warned me that her cupboards would be bare since she and my dad have been traveling the country for the last week. My brood is up and muttering about empty bellies. Think I can sneak out to the grocery store pre-shower with my hair shoved into one of my dad's old hunting caps? Yeeaahhh, not gonna happen. Starve, people! Mama must shower.

To be continued….